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Writer's pictureKathy Whitham

A Roadmap to Better Communication With Your Child

In order for your child to talk to you, they need to feel heard. 


The path to communication goes through the essential parenting skill of validation. 


My client said it best - Validation leads to empathy. It's the secret sauce!


Validation doesn’t try to fix, shut down, or correct. It simply says, I hear you. I see you. It opens the door for them to start trusting that you’ll listen to them. 

Validation is NOT

 

  • Permission for bad behavior. 

  • Letting them “get away” with things”

  • Giving in to them


Validation IS about feelings.


According to Brené Brown, Connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard and valued. When you validate your child’s feelings, they feel seen and heard and valued. These are the seeds of empathy.


When responding to your child’s behavior, the order matters!


  1. Validate

  2. Connect

  3. Communicate

  4. Correct


When you start with validation, it opens the door to communication. This allows you to talk with them later and help them connect the dots between their feelings and the behavior you expect. As you practice validation, it becomes easier for them to use words, rather than behavior to communicate their feelings.


Here's today's Quick Tip for Confident Parenting...

To Improve Communication - Validate! Validate! Validate!


Next time a meltdown starts and you get that that here we go again feeling take these steps to validate first: 


  1. Pause

  2. Breathe - Yes. Always!

  3. Validate - “You seem/sound mad, sad, scared…”

  4. Pause & breathe again.

  5. Validate - “I hear you” 

  6. Pause & breathe again.

  7. Validate with curiosity. “Tell me more”


They may yell, argue, say mean things or say nothing. Talk less, listen more. Effective correction comes later.


Your goal is to open the lines of communication and keep them open through the teen years and beyond. Better communication is built over time, like trust. It takes practice. 


(CAVEAT: If they are at risk of hurting themselves or someone else, you have to combine the skill of validation with the skill of boundaries. “I see you’re mad. I can’t let you hit your sister. It’s my job to keep you both safe.” Then actively intervene to bring your dysregulated child into a time-IN.) 


(To learn more about maintaining loving connection in the face of your child's hurtful words, click the image above.)

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