when it comes to parenting, connection matters more than perfection
You Try So Hard to Be the Best Parent You Can Be, and Yet, Too Often, You End Up Being The Parent You Never Wanted To Be!
I see you! I was you! In my work with parents over the past 15 years, I have come to understand that becoming more responsive and less reactive as a parent doesn’t come from more will, but rather from more skill.
I believe parents and caregivers hold the power to effect real change in a family. Like an anchor tethers a boat, even when it thrashes on the waves or blows in the wind, parents are the source of stability. Therefore, I focus on supporting and empowering them to be the best they can be.
Imagine your child is like a barometer. They tell you the weather around them, but they are not the weather. The weather is the stress in their environment. Their behavior is their response to that stress. The barometer can’t change the weather, but the weather can change the barometer. The parent has the most power to influence and change the environment.
Thus, a Parent-Centric approach places the keys to change in the parent’s hands. It’s rooted in ‘understanding what your child’s behavior is telling you’ so you can respond systematically and effectively while nurturing a relationship that’ll take you through the teens and beyond.
Child-Centric approaches place the keys to change in the child’s hands. They’re rooted in ‘trying to get your kid to do what you want them to do’ and often use techniques that utilize rewards and consequences to motivate a child’s behavior, without taking into account the stress-sensitivity or self-regulation skills of the child.
In other words, it’s better for your child that you stay anchored. Jumping in the boat with them just means you’ll both get caught in the storm!
Signs & symptoms of a Parent-Centric vs. a Child-Centric approach.
Parent-Centric
Connection
Responding
Being in control
Breaking the cycle
Being the anchor
Long-term change
Self care
Predictability
Child-Centric
Perfection
Reacting
Controlling
Winning the battles
Walking on eggshells
A quick fix
Sacrifice
Volatility/Inconsistency
The missing piece of the parenting puzzle
I get you’ve tried so many things that haven’t worked for your child. That’s because they’re missing this key piece of the parenting puzzle - Behavior is communication. Perhaps you’ve ended up here as a last resort.
You'll find my work is based on the understanding that your child’s behavior is communication. It’s their first language. When they’re infants, we learn to read their cues without any words. Then, as soon as they start to speak, we’re delighted and think, “now they can use their words to tell us what they need.” But behavior is still their first language.
Surprisingly, they resort to their first language even into their teen years! When we learn to hear what our child's and teen's behavior is telling us, we support them in learning to use their words and cultivate the loving connection we want through the teen years and beyond.
Let me give that a minute to sink in because it’s not what you typically hear! Behavior is your child’s first language. This understanding has allowed me to help parents, just like you, in situations that have felt overwhelming or even utterly hopeless and impossible to them.
Melanie’s Story
Melanie came to me because she was at her wit’s end with her 8 year old son who seemed determined to make everything more difficult. He was oppositional to the point of sometimes hiding under his bed curled up in a ball when he had to go somewhere. He would goad his younger brothers into fights and disrupt meal time by seeking constant attention.
After 2 months of working together she sent me an email in which she said, “I have the best relationship I’ve had with my son his whole life.”
Here’s my take on how that kind of profound change is possible. There’s a quote from Wayne Dyer that goes, “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” I believe that sums it up. As this mom began to have a new understanding of her son’s behavior as an SOS and not an attack, it allowed her to respond more openly to him.
Brain science tells us that over 80% of communication is nonverbal. Therefore, as she responded differently, following Parent-centric principles, he felt the change and began to respond differently back to her. The long standing negative feedback loop between them began to fall away. A new, more positive relationship began to develop, initiated by her.
It was not a quick fix, nor was it magic. They still had a lot of work ahead of them. However, she had changed the direction they were heading and that allowed for a different result going forward.
I believe the following universal principles guide
a Parent-Centric approach to loving connection & peace at home.
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