meet Kathy
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Registered Nurse
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Trauma-Informed Parenting Coach
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Child Behavior Specialist
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Family Constellations Facilitator
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EFT Practitioner
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Poet
Kathy Whitham, a mom of three, has connected with hundreds of parents, just like you, since 2009, in workshops and one-on-one in depth coaching.
Her stories are the threads that weave together the fabric of who she is, what she values, and the lens through which she sees parenting.
Story #1
My Son Comes Out to Me After Pizza
It’s 15 years ago. It’s yesterday. My 19 year old and I have just walked the three blocks back from our weekly date sharing pizza and dripping garlic knots at Rosa’s. We pause in front of the brick stoop of our Queens apartment and he says, This is hard to tell you, but I know you’d want to know. And then he comes out to me - as much as he understands himself at that moment. In that moment, he includes me in his process and I remain closely included as he goes through his transition over the following years.
Would you be surprised to know that 6 months earlier, I had a kid who would barely talk to me? He would hide in his room and be like a brick wall when I’d try to get through to him. A single parent of three I’d been struggling with these confusing, disruptive and overwhelming behaviors since he’d been in 3rd grade.
By the time he was 19, I was on the brink of losing my relationship with him.
Things turned around 180˚ when I found the right support and came to understand that his oppositional, withdrawn, non-communicative (fill in the blank) behavior was his best attempt to communicate his own stress, anxiety and overwhelm. They were clues.
I built a bridge back to his heart and changed my own reactive patterns of taking his behavior personally. Hope replaced fear and helplessness. I experienced first hand, the miracle of relationship repair that is wired into being human.
To understand this miracle, I began to voraciously study the connection between physiology, brain development, trauma, attachment theory, self-regulation and a child’s behavior, from experts in the field like Bruce Perry, Peter Levine, Bessel Van der Kolk, Karen Purvis, Bryan Post and Heather Forbes.
Here's a peek at some of Kathy's favorite and most influential books
Story #2
In the Driver's Seat
(Yes, that's me!)
It’s a few years ago. I find myself with out-of-control anxiety from being thrust unexpectedly into non-consensual non-monogamy by my partner. I feel confused and begin to question and blame myself, accommodate my partner and ignore my own needs and gut signals. In this compromised state, I am unable to speak up for what I want and need. I am about to have a reckoning with the insecure attachment patterns of a lifetime.
It took me a good part of the following year working with an experienced trauma coach to climb out of the fog, and find myself - not again, but in a new way. Through the attunement of that therapeutic relationship, the anxious, insecure attachment patterns of my childhood were slowly replaced by new patterns of more secure attachment. In essence it felt like my nervous system got re-wired.
I learned how to self-regulate when “triggered” in a way that put me in the driver’s seat of my own emotions like never before.
Here's Kathy teaching a local parenting class to parents of pre-schoolers.
In Provincetown at Family Week, run by Family Equality Council, to offer a parenting class to LGBTQ+ parents and caregivers.
Story #3
I Wake Up This Morning...
I know all three of my adult kids are doing well in their lives. My relationship with each one of them is outstanding and beautiful and unique. I feel incredibly fortunate. At the same time we have had to seriously work through divorce, estrangement, addiction, and gender transition to get here! I have had to do years of ongoing work on myself to be who I needed to be for this family to thrive.
My kids have shown me that repair and loving connection is possible at any time and at any age. They are the reason I do this work with you.
My grandsons make my heart dance every day and provide ongoing, on the ground training for my work!