How To Co-Regulate For Connected Parenting

When your buttons get pushed and you find yourself reacting to your child as the parent you never wanted to be, a flood of “shoulds” can wash over you!

These “shoulds” can get in your head:

• You should know what to do

• You should be perfect

• You should be more patient

• You should do it all yourself

• You should put yourself last

They become internalized as your own self-talk. It’s easy to feel like you’re the only one struggling with parenting, and sink into guilt and self-blame. Even though you’re already trying so hard, unrealistic expectations of perfectionism are so pervasive in our culture, especially for parents, that it’s a matter of course to blame your feelings of failure on a lack of will.

What if becoming more responsive and less reactive as a parent didn’t come from more will? What if it came from more skill?!

The beauty and hope of skills, unlike “shoulds,” is that skills can be learned - and practiced!

Here’s the messy truth. We can only truly teach our children emotional and behavioral regulation from a place of our own self-regulation. It’s called co-regulation. Many of you (like me) didn’t learn that at home growing up with unskilled parents.

In the midst of a meltdown, when everything in you wants to go toward your child, the best thing you can do to help them is to first notice what is going on with YOU. (While prioritizing safety, of course.)

Feel free to insert expletives here!

That’s because your state of regulation will determine how well you are able to help your child!

Co-regulation is your parenting super-power. It takes practice and skills. In the same way learning to balance is the first skill needed to ride a bike, learning to notice your here we go again feeling, when your buttons get pushed, is the first skill needed to respond to your child with loving connection.

Here’s a short exercise for you.

It will help you to develop the foundational skill of learning to notice your here we go again feeling, when your buttons get pushed. Developing this skill is NOT about perfection! It’s about moving toward more loving connection with yourself and your child to build your parenting super-power that is co-regulation.

1. Think about a recent incident with your child and ask yourself the following questions:

2. How did I know I had the here we go again feeling?

3. What did I notice in my body? My breath? My thoughts? Did I feel something in my gut, my shoulders, my head, or my left foot? Did my heart speed up? Was it hard to breathe?

4. What thoughts was I having?

The here we go again feeling shows up differently for each of us. That’s why it’s so important to identify your own personal clues.

Here are a few examples:

1. For me, my brain speeds up. The space between my thoughts and my words decreases, I start talking a lot and my words feel disconnected from my body.

2. One dad told me that for him it feels like resignation and he withdraws.

3. Jen’s here we go again feeling starts with her fists clenching at the first sign of challenging behavior from her kiddo, a while before the full meltdown actually happens.

What’s your clue?

In the same way a yellow light warns us to brake, noticing your body’s specific, concrete, here we go again clues tell you to SLOW DOWN. Putting the brakes on your reaction gives you the space to pause and employ regulating strategies.

Got that Here We Go Again feeling? Hit the BRAKES, not the gas!

As you keep practicing, you’ll get better at noticing those “clues” when the here we go again feeling hits you. This will allow you to practice pausing, breathing, or taking a step back - to stay more regulated and therefore, more responsive and available for connected parenting.

With this parent-centric approach, you hold the power to break the vicious cycles with your child. Rather than trying to control their behavior from a place of reacting, you’ll be able to influence their behavior through loving connection - a.k.a. co-regulation - for lasting change at home.