Cut Down Parenting Stress This Summer!

Happy Pride!

I do not say that lightly these days… I do say, with all my heart, that I am so happy to celebrate YOU exactly for who you are! There is joy in our shared journey as parents and caregivers. There is joy in the diverse ways that journey shows up and in the diverse ways we show up. There are real challenges also. Through sharing these challenges, we get to know we’re not alone.

Thank you for showing up every day in your beautiful, messy, imperfection to love your family.

This month, there are a lot of changes happening: school ending, loss of routine, vacations and visitation. It can be even more challenging to manage your parenting stress and be the parent you’re wanting to be. It can be hard to simply get out the door without an ordeal!

Here’s the thing. All these changes are transitions. Even daily transitions are harder for a stress-sensitive child because they can feel more stress and anxiety around any transitions than other kids. So adding additional changes may cause them to act out with defiance even in response to something they want to do, like go to camp.

Helping your child feel less anxious by creating a P-L-A-N for transitions is a parent-centric approach that puts you in control of the tone at home, rather than having your child’s behavior dictate the chaos at home.

An effective P-L-A-N of action for transitions has 4 parts. I made you an acronym to help you remember what to do “in the moment” to manage your parenting stress.

1. P for PREDICTABILITY

2. L for LONGER LEAD TIME

3. A for ANTICIPATE

4. N for NOTICE

1. P - PREDICTABILITY

Create PREDICTABILITY in tangible, concrete ways. When your kid knows in advance what to expect they will be less anxious. (Just like you, at the doctor’s office.) Less anxiety means less opposition or acting out and therefore, getting out the door without an ordeal! Some ideas for creating predictability are the following:

1. Remind your child the night before about the next morning’s schedule - even if it’s a regular thing like school or camp.

2. Create a weekly whiteboard calendar and post in the kitchen.

3. Review the calendar together every morning over breakfast. DO NOT rely on verbal information only!

4. Create cards, a poster or a checklist (for older kids) for your child to refer to for regular routines. Break down all the steps in order. Take photos, or draw pics of your child doing each step needed for that transition. If you don’t have a clear routine, this is an opportunity to create one. Take, for example, getting ready for bed, one of the more difficult transitions! Here’s what the steps might be:

   a. cleaning up toys

   b. going (upstairs) to the bathroom

   c. brushing teeth

   d. putting on jammies

   e. reading a story

   f. turning out the light

   
   

   Have your child participate in creating the cards or a poster they can look at during their routine. Older kids can participate in creating a checklist. This gives them some agency or feeling of control, which helps them feel more regulated.

   
   

2. L - LONGER

Transitions require more time than you imagine they "should" take. I’m guessing you’re already familiar with the exhausting effort of trying to get your child to hurry up and get ready to leave the house as they dig their heels in more every time you remind them.

Add 15 minutes LONGER than you think is needed for a given transition - (wherever possible). This will take some pressure off both you and your child and interrupt the negative nagging feedback loop. In the end, it won’t even take longer than the 15-20 minutes you would spend arguing with your child!

But adding time alone isn’t enough for a smooth transition. You need all 4 parts for the PLAN to work effectively.

3. A -ANTICIPATE NEEDS

Jane rushed out of the house to pick up her 3 yr old at camp. When he got into the car, he was hot, tired and thirsty. He wanted a drink, but they had a 15 min ride to get home and she had forgotten to bring water with her. A tantrum ensued that lasted the whole ride home.

No parent can keep track of everything in their head or anticipate every need their child has, no matter what you're socialized to believe about perfectionism!

In order to do your best to ANTICIPATE what you think you might need during a given transition, make yourself a reusable checklist. This is helpful for the simplest transitions, like picking your kid up from school and crucial for the more complex ones like getting ready for bed or traveling.

Jane’s checklist might only have 3 simple things on it, but then she no longer has to keep them in her crowded head:

1. Water (for mom and kiddo)

2. Snack for kiddo (crackers, cheese stick, bar)

3. Wipes (for dirty hands)

What a difference those 3 things can make for the ride home!

4. NOTICE

Managing parenting stress starts with NOTICING your “here we go again” feeling. You know the one! As soon as you start to feel it, hit the pause button and take a couple breaths before you say or do anything else.

I know that is the hardest moment to pause! You and most other parents’ first impulse is to try to stop your child’s behavior. But it is your pause that starts to shift the tone. It is your pause that is in your control, not your child’s behavior at that moment. Your pause is what will stop the escalation. 

Your pause doesn’t have to be perfect to be effective. Do it as soon as you notice you’re caught in the vicious cycle again.

That’s the PLAN! Predictability. Longer Lead Time. Anticipation. Notice.

Strengthening your essential parenting skills of predictability, consistency and self-regulation will reinforce this transition plan and empower you to manage your parenting stress. More peace and harmony will follow.