When it comes to parenting,
connection matters more than perfection

You’re trying hard to be the best parent you can be, yet too often you end up being the parent you never wanted to be.

You came here after reading the books, talking to friends, and still not finding the tools you need to gain control of the stress and conflict at home.

If you’ve put your child in time-out, in therapy, made sticker charts, taken away so many things, reasoned, bribed, yelled, and walked on every eggshell, and yet nothing has worked, I see you!

Maybe you’re frustrated with not being on the same page as your partner(s) when it comes to discipline.

You may have worrisome thoughts that keep you up at night, like - will my kids be happy, will they still talk to me, will they end up in jail or homeless?

You may be reluctant to reach out for help, fearing that your identity and lifestyle choices might be blamed for your kid’s behavior problems.

All you want is to feel more connected to your child and confident in your parenting choices. Instead, you find yourself constantly putting out fires and struggling to survive the day.

Here’s My Take On Why Parenting
Has Become So Hard

You believe you need to try harder to be more patient, more consistent, more something! Here’s the thing: Trying harder and harder is like yelling louder and louder to be understood in a foreign country where you don’t speak the language.

Who wouldn’t feel a lack of confidence and competence when the things you try don’t work for YOUR child? I believe that it’s not about trying harder, it’s about doing something different.

5 Common Pitfalls That Keep You From
Being the Parent You Want To Be

#1

Unrealistic Expectations of Perfectionism

Unrealistic expectations of perfectionism are baked into our culture, especially for parents. The “shoulds” are everywhere!

All these “shoulds” can get in your head:

You should know what to do
You should be perfect
You should be more patient
You should do it all yourself
You should put yourself last

Those “shoulds” become internalized as your own self-talk. When you feel like you’re the only one struggling with parenting, you sink into guilt and self-blame. It’s easy to blame your failure on a lack of will rather than a lack of skill.

#2

Parenting Approaches That Don’t Take Into Account Your Child’s Stress-Sensitivity*

*What do I mean by Stress-Sensitivity?

Your kid has bigger, longer-lasting, and more frequent meltdowns than other kids their age.
Your child can go from 0 to 60 out of nowhere.
You find that using rewards, consequences, or time-outs doesn’t have any lasting effect and can even cause your child to act out more.
Your child may do OK in school, but completely lose it when they get home.

Stress sensitivity comes from an immature nervous system, which can result from many reasons beyond your control, including the following:

NICU or hospitalization of your child
Frequent moves
Parental depression or illness
Substance abuse in the family
History of adoption
Constant quarreling between parents
Divorce/Separation
Neurodiversity
They just came out that way

Any of these experiences can impact a child’s ability to effectively regulate their emotions and behaviors. Behavioral expectations for this stress-sensitive child, as they try their best to cope with big, unmanageable feelings, are often based on a mistaken understanding that the child won’t vs. can’t behave.

You may even see yourself in this. Maybe your parents were unskilled in how to take care of you, as a sensitive child. You want something better for your child.

A stress-sensitive child requires a parenting approach that integrates brain regulation and executive function skills into parenting skills.

This is why punishing your child feels so awful. It doesn’t feel right in your bones, but you weren’t raised in a world attuned to care for sensitive people.

Many things that happen to you or your child are not in your control. What IS in your control is your relationship with your child.

You might be thinking, “I don’t feel in control at all! Even though I’m trying my hardest, it feels like you’re telling me I’m doing it wrong. I feel disconnected from my kid, and I don’t know how to change things at home!”

I hear you.

I see you.

I was you…

That’s why I have a special place in my heart for stress-sensitive kids and their parents!

I’m not going to leave you here.

#3

The Myth That You Should Do It All Yourself to Be a Good Parent

Speaking of “shoulds,” there’s a myth that a good parent should be able to “do it all themself!” Have you heard that?

Parents are socialized to assume that “doing it all yourself” means you’re a good parent, even though there’s never enough time, energy or resources. Parenting can become overwhelming and even cost your health and well-being.

#4

Most Parents Are Running on Empty

Do you wait until after the kids are in bed every night to finally have time to yourself? And then, you’re too exhausted and depleted to do anything, even shower?

You’ve been socialized to believe that self-care is selfish. And the last thing you want to be is selfish, right? The thing is, running on empty means you have less bandwidth to handle stress. You are more prone to being reactive and less able to respond as the parent you want to be.

Brain science tells us that over 80% of communication is non-verbal. Your child picks up on your stress. That’s why managing your stress needs to be part of an effective parenting approach. It’s the best thing you can do for your child.

Story #2
In the Driver's Seat

(Yes, that's me!)

#5

Focusing on the Behavior, Rather Than What’s
Driving the Behavior

The 5th pitfall is focusing on the behavior as the problem, rather than what’s driving the behavior. This leaves you chipping at the tip of the iceberg, thinking you’re clearing the water, when what needs to be addressed is anxiety, stress, and overwhelm below the surface.

Without understanding that behavior is just the tip of the iceberg, it can be misunderstood as a personal attack, a desire for attention, or simply a way to get they want.

That misunderstanding can result in using methods that try to control behavior, without addressing what’s driving the behavior.

Effective parenting approaches need to respond to the stress, fear, and overwhelm below the surface using methods based on connection.

Although this approach can feel counterintuitive, it is not the same as giving in to your child. Behavior still needs to be addressed.

It’s not IF, but HOW you deal with your child’s behavior...

Melanie’s Story

Melanie came to me because she was at her wit’s end with her 8 year old son who seemed determined to make everything more difficult. He was oppositional to the point of sometimes hiding under his bed curled up in a ball when he had to go somewhere. He would goad his younger brothers into fights and disrupt meal time by seeking constant attention.

After 2 months of working together she sent me an email in which she said, “I have the best relationship I’ve had with my son his whole life.”

Here’s my take on how that kind of profound change is possible. There’s a quote from Wayne Dyer that goes, “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” I believe that sums it up. As this mom began to have a new understanding of her son’s behavior as an SOS and not an attack, it allowed her to respond more openly to him.

Brain science tells us that over 80% of communication is nonverbal. Therefore, as she responded differently, following Parent-centric principles, he felt the change and began to respond differently back to her. The long standing negative feedback loop between them began to fall away. A new, more positive relationship began to develop, initiated by her.

It was not a quick fix, nor was it magic. They still had a lot of work ahead of them. However, she had changed the direction they were heading and that allowed for a different result going forward.

What If Things Continue As They Are?

Many parents approach me when they’re already overwhelmed and struggling. I don't need to guess what might happen if their situation continues as it is. I've witnessed the outcomes when ineffective parenting methods keep parents stuck in vicious cycles.

You watch your kid struggling and know they’re unhappy but don’t know how to help them.
You feel more and more disconnected from your child and fear it’s too late to repair.
You struggle with burnout, affecting your physical and mental health.
Vicious cycles and negative behaviors continue, but the stakes get higher as they get older, and you have even less control over them.
They eventually grow up and leave, estranged from you.

Three Common Parenting Strategies That Keep Parents Stuck in Vicious Cycles:

#1

Using Rewards/Consequences or Sticker Charts

At best, this doesn’t work to change behavior in a stress-sensitive kid. More typically, negative behavior escalates.

Rewards and consequences depend on strong self-regulation skills to work. Typically, the ability to self-regulate isn’t developed until around 3 years old. In some kids, it can take longer.

Brain science tells us that stress, overwhelm, and anxiety can hinder the brain's ability to project what might happen in the future (i.e., rewards) or recall what happened “last time” (i.e., consequences). During a behavioral incident, they’re not being rational, but you already know that!

As my client, Vivian, said in despair, “I can’t keep upping the ante forever!”

That’s because the “ante” isn’t what develops emotional and behavioral resilience. A different approach is needed.

#2

Treating Problem Behavior Like a Phase

Treating your child's behavior as merely a phase can lead to bigger problems down the road, the ones you most fear. It’s important to determine whether your child is going through more than “just a phase.”

Taking proactive steps will help them build the foundation they need to succeed in school, maintain healthy friendships, and manage their emotions. While certain behaviors may be part of normal development, they may also indicate that your child lacks the resources and skills to navigate this stage effectively.

#3

Using Time-out

Time out is generally used to teach your child a lesson about their behavior. Its effectiveness relies on your child’s self-regulation skills and executive function, as well as the mindset you bring to the situation.

When timeouts come from anger and frustration, as a last resort, the child is left alone to manage their big feelings, without the necessary skills to cope.

Turning Things Around Leads to Peace at Home and a Loving Relationship With Your Child, Through the Teen Years & Beyond.

Hope emerges when you realize you're not alone in your parenting challenges. As you come to understand what’s happening with your child, you feel relief and begin to know what to do. The loving connection with your child grows and blossoms into the relationship that you had only dreamed of.

The following timeline compiles the outcomes I have repeatedly observed with the parents I have worked with since 2009.

After One Week - Relief & Hope

They feel relief in resonating with this approach of connection rather than perfection and taking the step to reach out for help.
They have hope of helping their child develop their emotional regulation and feeling more connected to their child through the process!

After One Month - Awareness & Empowerment

They become more aware of their reactions and begin to respond differently.
They start to understand their child’s behavior as an S.O.S., not an attack.
They feel more empowered that they can do something about their situation.

Three Months - Calmer Home Vibe & Loving Connection

They find themselves more able to get through to their child with less yelling.
They notice fewer meltdowns, often going from multiple times a day to once or twice a week.
They feel more able to respond to whatever comes up at home.
Their child interacts with less attitude, avoidance, and shutdown.
Their heart feels lighter.

By Six Months - Confidence & Ease

They see happiness on their child’s face more often.
They feel more confident in their parenting choices.
They notice how much more they’re enjoying their kids.
Major incidents at home are rare.
They have more energy for their own self-care and creative pursuits.

After One Year - Harmony & Enjoyment

They have a relationship they never dreamed of having with their child.
They have more time to enjoy their family.
They become increasingly confident in their ability to be the best parents they can be.
Family relationships continue to grow and improve.
They see their child doing better in school and with friends.

Susan & Jason’s Story

(an artist, a teacher & parents of 2)

When we first reached out to Kathy, we were exhausted and unable to enjoy our family. My 9-year-old was so stressed out about school that he often refused to go. We were left-fielded by unpredictable explosive outbursts from him and stuck in a cycle that we couldn’t get out of.

The practices, perspective and calmer foundation we worked on with Kathy over the following six months made a seriously huge difference! We’re now three months into the new school year and it’s going SO WELL for our son!!!!!

Seeing him way more “present”, and so happy, is overwhelmingly beautiful.

Update: It's been a year since we completed our work with Kathy. Our intense work last spring and summer created a new, steadier foundation from which things have continued to get better. We know how to set up better expectations, give him space and support him, while also keeping our cool as we ride out the hard moments. He made it to nearly every day of school and was really part of his class for the first time in his school career. Overall, it’s harmonious here and much more like the family I envisioned and hoped for. We're ever grateful we did the work with Kathy.

Three Fundamental Steps That Lead To
Loving Connection & Peace At Home

Many parents come to me, having tried everything they could, with hope hanging by a thread. Even so, they are fierce in their commitment to parenting!

Your child didn’t come with a manual!

Think of your child as a barometer. Their behavior reflects what’s happening in them and their environment—the “weather” around them—but they are not the weather itself. The weather represents the stress in them and their surroundings, while their behavior is their response to that stress.

A barometer can’t change the weather, but the weather can influence the barometer. Similarly, you set the tone for the environment in your child's life.

This makes your relationship with your child your best parenting tool!

1. Understand your child’s behavior:

Learn Brain Basics - What is Fight, Flight, and Freeze?
Learn how stress affects the nervous system
Learn basic child development touchstones

2. Recognize your role in initiating change:

Examine your stress response
Practice catching your reactions and calming your own stress
Observe your child’s response to your stress levels

3. Align your parenting methods with your understanding:

Learn how to give your child what they need to regulate their behavior
Strengthen connection-based parenting skills
Take the initiative to interrupt the negative feedback loops

All this works together to create a Parent-Centric Approach, where the parent holds the key to bringing about change at home.

The following 7 principles guide this Parent-Centric approach:

In my work with parents since 2009, I have found these three fundamental steps form a roadmap for successful parenting.

Ready For Peace In Your Home?

If this all makes sense to you, I invite you to reach out for a Parenting Support Consultation.

During this consultation, you’ll:

Share what has you at your wits’ end at home.
Learn more about me and how my coaching process works to give you a game plan, should you choose to work with me.
Receive empathy as we find out how we click

You'll come away with a glimmer of hope and a next step to move you forward.

Click the button below to set up your Parenting Support Consultation.

Book A Parenting Consultation

When it comes to parenting, connection matters more than perfection

Here’s My Take On Why Parenting Has Become So Hard

5 Common Pitfalls That Keep You From Being the Parent You Want To Be

#1 Unrealistic Expectations of Perfectionism​

#2 Parenting Approaches That Don’t Take Into Account Your Child’s Stress-Sensitivity*

#3 The Myth That You Should Do It All Yourself to Be a Good Parent

#4 Most Parents Are Running on Empty

Story #2 In the Driver's Seat